Ardent Worship

Last night was the sweetest night Ive had with a group of friends in a long time!  We gathered at our close friends house to pray over their son who is heading out to do a 6 month internship with Freedom Through Forgiveness in California.  We love the ministry, love this kid and love this family.  It was a special time on so many levels.

I have no idea ‘who’ we worshipped in song with- a cd was in- its how we tend to worship when there is not a guitar or piano player in the crowd…  (it works!)  - anyway, it did not matter to David and I….  we just soaked in the music and worship, and the ardent voices of all our closest friends who filled the living room.  Teens had grown into young adults during our time away, babies were now older kids who were outside playing on the trampoline and at one point when I opened my eyes, I just felt a sense of giddiness looking around at all my beautiful kindred spirits who were  singing in one accord.  I miss this!  

For as long as I can remember- long before we ever left for the field- we would gather in one of our homes to sing and worship, kids and all, and talk about the deeper things in life.  It continues every time we are home and makes my heart sing!

I pray our children understand the unique life we move and function in.  I do sense God honors our ache and desire for Him- for ardent worship.  I so felt His presence with me last night as I cried out for MORE of Him.. more of His filling, and for more signs and wonders to be released in us.    I poured out a song of Thanksgiving before Him for all He has done and continues to do in and through us, His people….

Listening to the Father

The Lord is good!  

He is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and abounding in Steadfast love, forgiving iniquity and transgression, but He will by no means clear the guilty, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, to the third and fourth generation.  Numbers 14: 18

I woke up to read a couple mornings ago and was planning to start in Joshua as I am following a one year chart.  When I flipped my Bible open, it fell open to this portion of Numbers.  The Lord prompted me to stay and I saw this verse.  Immediately, Jacksons name came into my spirit and I asked the Lord what it was all for.

I sensed that He was giving me something specific to pray over in regards to Jackson, our other children, and the dorm guys we are heading to minister to – but on top of that….  it was almost like a plea in my heart for all young men and women out there…

‘Guys!!  Your Awesome God is gracious and compassionate!!!  He is slow to anger!  He is so full of unconditional Love and adoration for you!  Who else could love you the way He does?  Who else could tend  to the matters and needs of your heart the way He does?!  God is after your hearts!  He wants All of you and is soooo patient in waiting for you to humble yourselves and walk His ways…

The way you live your life, has everything to do with You!  Those who guide you, do their part, but ya’ll must choose, daily I know, how to play out life.  The deal is, your choices, your actions, your attitude, your obedience and your stupidity….  all make a difference to those around you.  And, they matter in the future. Stuff usually comes back to remind you of mistakes…  Not God!  He doesn’t remind you of your sin..  your guilt and the Enemy do… God is ready to forgive and move on, right?

My concern is, that you don’t think about the way your choices NOW, have the capacity to impact YOUR generations that follow…  Guys!  watch out….  consider!  Remember!  Think about your future, your future wife, your future kids!  Do you want your consequences on them?  Do you want your sin to affect them so drastically?’

My heart and soul yearn and plead for this generation of young men and women to rise UP..  to take the mantel of Leadership and Integrity and run this race harder than they have seen it run before.  I believe they can.  I believe they will.  

‘PTDTWCD’

Post Traumatic ‘Driving in a Third World Country’ Disorder

I’ve decided that I am struggling from Post Traumatic ‘Driving in a Third World Country’ Disorder.  ‘Stress’ most Definitely fits in the quotations bit, but I decided to specify the stress vs. keep it nebulous or broad sounding.

Driving is fun for me.  ‘Used’ to be anyway.  I loved when friends asked me to drive for them, or when I was able to get behind the wheel taking our family someplace.  I loved learning to drive in Laos when we first arrived.  It was new, there were hardly any cars on the street and we had a beautiful Pajero.  Great fun.  I love cars.  I love going fast and I think I am a good driver.

You learn to drive defensively in Laos.   At least the past 3 years seems to have caused us to be more aware of needing to drive defensively and keep alert.

Cars, motorbikes, and road construction have been  on a fast growing J curve  the past 5 years in Laos.  Taxes on cars dropped significantly since we first arrived in 2001 (when taxes were 100%)-  that, coupled with  ????????????????? now allows everyone and their dog to own not just any vehicle, but some seriously nice, brand new cars and trucks.

Of course the big issue is not that there are great cars on the road with me and my suave green family van…..  but that there are zero rules or even respect for others on the road.  The motto in Laos is ‘Get there NOW- take the sidewalk if needed’.  Im pretty sure this is secretly tattooed on babies at birth.

I was Sure that I was going to hit someone before we left Laos.  I was so scared of  getting behind the wheel every day and venturing out anywhere because the unknowns of what I would encounter were to great, the fear of hurting someone too real and I knew there would be unimaginable consequences on me and our family.

While I absolutely had to go out every day, I left as early as we could to not encounter traffic (ha!), and David would run all errands in the afternoon and buy all groceries possible.  I didn’t want to be out anymore than I had to.

I knew it was bad, but the reality of just ‘how bad’ I have held it emotionally and psychologically, has been more evident now in the USA.  Im in Love love love with there being driving rules that people religiously follow.  I love (in theory) that there are police everywhere.  ’In theory’, only because I am freaked out that defensive wild Lao driving has been so ingrained… that I subconsciously do it here and will get thrown in jail!  :)   In my mind, I have these conversations with the police where I am trying hard to explain/justify my driving – all the while I’m sure they are laughing and rolling their eyes like ‘Yeah, ha, this lady gave the excuse today that she was from Laos and just got back and “couldn’t help it”…  ( as if the dog really Does eat  homework….)  What if the absurd excuse IS real!?

So…..  the issue is that now I can hardly drive in THIS country because we are not driving defensively enough…  I panic that we are going to crash, that we drive too fast (in Asia it is too compact to drive faster than 35 or 40,….  So speed is not the issue as much as there being 14 different ‘lanes’ of traffic all getting to where they need to go, HOWever they can do it fastest, including the sidewalk…)., that a deer will jump out at us –again- (see other blog entries) and etc etc…,

So…  this blog entry is to ask for prayer and I say it with all seriousness.  I’d love freedom from this before I head to a country where they go 100 miles an hour and drive on ice and snow.  God has a sense of humor in that He takes me from one type of traumatic driving to another.  Wuz up with that?

As I’ve mentioned before, I think it would help poor Dave too, to have me not be inhaling a drastic ‘huuuuuuughhhhh!!!!! ‘ and grabbing the seat cushion every time he merged or sped up.  Poor guy.

Thanks guys…  you are loved.

Jen

Grandma and Jewlery

 

For the past two weeks when we bring Grandma home for the day, Olivia and I have brought out her very old jewelry box and gone through it with her.  We show her every piece and ask for the story behind each.  Unfortunately, she doesn’t remember where every piece comes from no matter how hard we prompt.  Other pieces  have names or specific designs on them making them obvious where they were purchased.

Olivia could have died and gone to heaven she was so excited!  It was like a fairy tale to open each little drawer to discover what jewels lay inside.  She had to try on all of Grandmas big clip on earrings and try on every ring and necklace.  I’ve never seen her look so excited!

Shotgun thoughts

We are road tripping as a family u to DC and NY over the period of 6 days.   It is a quick trip but the goal was to do something fun with the boys and then see NY, which we have never done before.  We get to see some family members as well too which I’m looking forward to.

At the moment it is raining as we are driving along the Shenandoah Valley road on 77N.  It is SOO beautiful! But the rain makes me nervous.   I very much dislike speeding next to massive huge 18-wheelers.  The fact that I am NOT in the driver’s seat compounds the problem – I’m not in control and yet try to control shotgun.  While I know it is annoying to David, he graciously works with me – mostly because he has to live with me and because we all want the trip to be a pleasant one.  :)  Poor guy.  I am aware it isn’t nice to have a whiny, fearful and controlling (ish) person next to you…  and for 8 captive hours!!

 

I’ve pulled out my laptop to write this as we drive because I am determined to shift my attention from the street (and my intense desire to co-drive,) to something that will keep my focus and thoughts elsewhere.  I hope David recognizes my efforts.  :)

Trust is a funny thing.  It isn’t a problem until we feel out of control.  If we feel safe, we trust.  If we feel something is going wrong or has the potential too, we panic and lose trust or faith.  Honestly, I totally trust my man.  He is an awesome driver, has never been in an accident and loves our family so much that because of the cargo he carries, he is always alert and responsible.  So, why do I worry?  What weakness lies in me that I even think about it?

Now..  some perspective about the lack of worry and, in fact, amazing amounts of trust my husband has in ME driving…..

yup... he is sleeping. might have even snored. just sayin'

This is Dave sleeping, SOUNDLY I might add, while I drive.  I am ashamed.

David and I are reading through the Bible this year together.  Well, ‘ish’ as far as the ‘together’ part.  He has been zooming through the OT bits.

Our discussions regularly seem to take us to the ‘how’s ‘ and ‘whys’ of the Israelite tribes.  ‘How’ could they think about doing this or that?’  ‘Why did they not learn?  ‘Didn’t they get it after the 100^th time??’

Numbers 14:17 says: ‘ And, HOW LONG will they not believe in me in ‘spite’ of all the signs that I have done among them?’

I just read that to David this am towards the beginning of our trip.   Over the past three months + of reading the Pentateuch, we have both been intensely convicted to NOT follow the paths of the Israelites…  and here I am, convicted AGAIN.  Oi!

Even in this car…  driving in the rain…. On a little ol’ family trip, can I again prove my Faith in a loving God – an Alive Father who knows where we are on this freeway, (even though we don’t!).  But mostly, in a Counselor so completely aware of my insecurities, fears, and motherly concerns that I just have to grunt and He gets it.   Well, honestly, I don’t even have to bother with the grunt.  :)

So…  I’m determined to set aside my urge to grunt at my sweet husband (while we race down the road in the foggy, rainy elements, on a windy road, surrounded by semi’s and Dave driving with only his wrist on the wheel, past an accident that just happened).    I will Thank God for all He has done in and through us, and all that I believe He wants to do with us in the future.  I thank Him for the Israelites and their stories, but mostly I praise Him for the cross, because otherwise I would have to hire a shepherd and own a huge flock of sheep and goats for all the atoning I need in this life.

 

 

Leadership

All I wanted to say in this post, was that – here we were at the dinner table, conversation at a lull, and my faithful Man gets up, grabs the Word and shares with our family what God has given to him this  morning  in his quiet moments outside.

This is not new.  It is not necessarily every dinner.  But, it is often, it is Dave and it is something I am so very grateful for.  The man I love  and the man I follow- loves spending time with the Lord and  sharing those nuggets of knowledge and insight with us.

As he did this again tonite, I just felt inspired to  snap a picture and put the memory of it up for us later.  :)

A night out with my man

Taking care of Grandma

Pretty-ing up Grandmas room

Walking into Grandmas room after grandpa’s death was so very sad.  Not only was his bed next to hers made with a bunch of pillows thrown over it, (making it feel like it had always been empty), but it seemed cold.  The whole building is painted in a sea-foam-ish green color and every single bedspread matches.  That just a lot of sea foam green!  Since it started feeling like a hospital, I decided we needed to ‘awaken’ her 1/2 of the room.  :)

Mom and I found a fun flowery bedspread that was bold enough for Grandma to see the pattern of, and bought a huge mirror that we thought would open up the room.  She already had some big frames of children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren up on the wall.  We re-arranged everything to fit her part of the wall and she Loves it!  I wanted to put a yummy candle in there, but I guess they don’t think a candle would be safe to have around.  I suppose.  :)  Aside from the bedspread, it does not feel like there is much more space to do anything…  I had a living room at home idea in mind, and that just isn’t realistic.

Taking care of Grandma has been fun.  I am so grateful God allowed our whole family to be here for this time.  I see that my children are bringing delight to her soul with their regular visits, hugs and laughter.  She watches them with awe and wonder – I sense, enjoying their youthfulness and vitality.  Initially, she would look at us with such a curious gaze…  she has been so forgetful, asking the same questions over and over.  But now, she often calls us by name and will call mom in the morning and evening asking ‘when all those kids’ are coming back over.  What a gift from God to have such distraction around after losing her soul mate of 70 years!

I’m enjoying seeing her smile every day, kissing her cheeks and inhaling ‘Grandma’ smell.  I love this lady…

Thanking God for Gpa

World War II Vet - therefore, flag and taps recognition

Family

Later with my kids:

We took my family to see Grandpas grave yesterday since they were not here for the funeral.  My dad spent a lot of time explaining all sorts of things to Olivia who had lots of questions.  WHERE was that big silver box she saw in the pictures now?  WHY did they put it  6 FEET under the ground!!??  Where was Grandpas stone like everyone else’s?  What was it going to say?

We also spent time just thanking God for Grandpas life and for recognizing all he had passed on to next generations….  we got teary, but I think thats what you do when you miss amazing people.

Re-entry & Groceries

Being in America is interesting.  I just got completely overwhelmed in the grocery store.  I had been in about a week ago just to grab some basics and I had VERY specifically targeted getting those items and averting my eyes to everything else.  I knew that if I took my time to walk around I would find a reason to want everything.   I want to give myself time before I start walking in extreme covetousness and idolatry.   At this moment, I pause and ask for Gods strength to keep me from such sin.

The grocery store here in Waxhaw is called ‘Harris Teeter’.  Doesn’t that just sound like the kind of place that would automatically up their prices 10%?  In Nebraska you can go to ‘Hinky Dinky’ , and for some reason, I just feel like their prices will always be rock bottom.  Of course, ‘Harris Teeter’ is Southern, which automatically makes them nice people…  and the proof of that is that today, the cashier called Jackson ‘Hunnie’ and gave him a free donut cuz she felt bad that he had waited in line for just one thing.  Aww!

Back to being overwhelmed….  I needed a jar of salsa.  In Laos, I have two options (maybe!).  David and I just sat and stared this insanely long row of options for salsa.  There were a million different kinds: cilantro, chili, lemon, chipotle, regular, hot, medium, mild, green, red and then from different labels who have different prices….

The salsa was one scenario from about 10 today.  I ended up with a headache and David was exhausted.  He kept coming to me and pulling the cart and my  hand down the lines telling me we just needed to get out.  I had to agree after 45 minutes of just meandering…  by the 15^th isle, I couldn’t see straight and decided we didn’t need to look for anything else.

I also decided I feel safer in my Super-Walmart in Norfolk where I know where everything is.   I don’t think anyone notices me there, and I was sure everyone was watching me today look like a moron trying to pick out what I needed.  We also had to look hilarious as we ‘oohed and aaahed’ over so many items.  David got super excited about Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls and I got excited seeing a box of Krispy Crème donuts.  In the end, we decided that we certainly didn’t need them, so they got left behind.. Yeah for will-power!

We did bring home boxed brownies which we have not had in 3 years, and a Marie Calendars Razzelberry Pie.

The killer for me was seeing a tiny stick of sugar cane shrink wrapped for $3.99 each.  What would you do with it anyway, it being so tiny?

Check out my picture below from Laos!

Now, THAT is some sugar cane!  :)

Obviously,  getting something that grows in your backyard, is much easier and cheaper than something that doesn’t.  But, you can see where my shock and awe come in.  I couldn’t find the Asian veggies that I needed for my Green curry either, and paying $4.00 for fresh greens like Basil instead of .20 cents is also extremely painful.  It hurts the pockets!  Anyway…  just lots to digest (no pun intended).

It is wild to daily be awakened to the continued differences in culture.